the holiday season is near.  a brief interruption, sans libation, always short lived.

dickcarter, mistletoots

god i hate the mall

im hooked!

TOOTIE TALK

SHELLY TO SHANSKY: "AMBIGUOUSLY GAY?  HA!"

ILL COO FOR COCK

I LOVE HIS BLOODY KNEES

PRETENDER®

YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, BUT YOU CANT MAKE HIM DRINK; A SINGLE SATISFACTORY SHOT BETWEEN THE EYES SOLVES THIS AND OTHER PROVERBIAL PROBLEMS

 BOOZE BIZ

LOCAL BAR SUCKS; PATRON BLOWS BOUNCER

ALCOHOL INDUCED COMA NOT REALLY A GOOD RESTFUL SLEEP CLAIM EXPERTS

TOWN DRUNK SHAMED

...what a weekend

turning 34 wasnt so great, but the weekend sure was. 

the pool here at the club is OPEN!  in honor of yet another summer at the club, i offer you one of my earliest attempts at blogging...island style!

dickcarter, lifetime clubber or poolside blubber

Here's the challenge.  You decide which tanning product is most effective.  You can purchase any of these traditional household items at your local drug store, Kroger or Wal-Mart.  Use at your own risk. 

Enjoy the tan of the islands!

1.  Baby Oil.  While this product leaves the skin soft and enhances the sun's miraculous ultraviolet rays ten-fold, many complain that its hard to remove and that it attracts middle aged women desiring to change articles of clothing or attach you to their breast.  Maybe that wouldnt be such a bad thing!  Purchasing tip:  The 70's are back, and Im onboard full tilt boogie!

2.  Blanket.  This product is effective for those of you who are not concerned with tanning at all.  You can find this product in liquid form as well...look for a sunscreen with an SPF of 2 or higher to utilize the "blanket in a bottle" quality. 

 3.  Motor Oil.  This product, though widely used in automobiles, is a highly effective tanning accelerator.  The benefits far outweigh the risks, though I wouldnt suggest using this product at your local public pool or anywhere near a garage.  Purchasing tip:  You may want to pick up a large bottle of Palmolive or a couple of bars of LAVA soap to get the shit off your skin.  If irritation occurs, discontinue use and consult a mechanic!  Additional purchasing tip:  I prefer 10W30, but 3 stroke outboard oil works nicely as well.

 4.  Tan Intensifier Lotion from Hawaiian Tropic.  This product is considered by many doctors and scientists to be harmful because of its lack of sunscreen.  I say that if in this free-market society we can package and sell cigarettes, alcohol and fried chicken, then why not a tan intensifier?  Purchasing tip:  Works great as a cologne, all purpose lubricant and body lotion.  Sure to please your partner!

 5.  Solarcaine.  I dont even know how this product has found a market niche.  I mean, come on!  Who needs a spray to "soothe" your burn when everybody knows that the best passageway to the Islands is the shortcut through the Straights of Sunburn!  Magellan would be sorely disappointed!

 6.Sun.  While this product is easily accessible, never try to harness its power.  As I have learned over the years, the Sun God can be a vengeful God!  Understand that his power is awe inspiring and can never be mocked.  The moment you underestimate him, BAM!  Down comes the rain and washes the spider out!  Purchasing tip:  You cant buy the sun...he already belongs to America!  Use with caution, and never stare...he hates rude people!

 7.  Butter/Margarine.  This product has been tested and given the dickcarter "tan of the islands" seal of approval!  Not only is it an effective tanning accelerator, but the scent of hot butter drives most people wild.  Before you know it, youll have a line formed next to your lounger with screaming, hungry folks just waiting to collect your drippings and moisten their popcorn, bread or ass!  Purchasing tip:  Butter is easy on the tight budget and multi-purpose, with a gallon tub going for a fraction of the cost of traditional oils and creams and the added benefit of taking it home and putting out at the dinner table to sop all over your white bread.  Additional purchasing tip:  Use at a rural lake may attract geese or packs of wild dogs...use with caution in the great outdoors!  Regardless, for the cost and duality, butter/margarine is my number one choice for the tan of the dairy farm, oops, I mean islands!  

 8.  Iodine.  This product, though never tested by me, has been suggested by my best friends mother.  Mrs. Combs has and always will have the tan of the islands, so it must work!  You go girl!  Related story:  When I was a child, my neighbors, the Cox', always had iodine all over their bodies.  Did they know something that I wasnt privy to at such a young age, or where they just fucking nasty?  hmmmm?  Purchasing tip:  Also useful in a medical way, or so I'm told! 

 9.  Crisco shortening.  This product is a full service vegetable oil and tanning accelerator in one.  The unique texture makes application a breeze and clean up a cinch!  Also, as with butter/margarine, the dual purpose of this product makes it a must for the thrifty minded tanner.  Purchasing tip and recipe:  1 skillet; 1 hot plate; 3 battered chicken legs.  Place hot plate and skillet under lounger.  Fill with battered chicken parts.  Apply Crisco liberally to entire body.  Cook on high sun for several hours and watch the pool-side huskies come running for the irresistable scent of fried chicken.  Feeds 1. Additional tip:  Drippings may be stored under kitchen sink in a Mason jar for later use.  Recycle and Reuse!  Additional tip:  Stomach can be substituted for skillet.  Just place battered chicken parts directly on surface of skin and enjoy the homemade meal.  Serve immediately.  Also comes in artificial butter flavor.

Please let me know which product you chose.  Thank you for participating and "See you in the Sun!"

dick

florida was so nice.  i want to move.  tootie says mexico.  she just got back and had a rockin good time.  i need more sun and less triple-bypass trouble.  i wonder what it takes to move to mexico?  is it a difficult undertaking?  hmmm...

but i know what it takes to move to florida.  i want to move.  im going to move.  nothing here but malignant memories, heavy hacks and old, washed up ideas.  my ex never wanted to move here in the first place.  shoulda, coulda, woulda.

something about changes in latitude, changes in attitude. 

dickcarter, tropical transplant