Addendum to the previous blog:

My New Job is a rich, creamy, thick, triple chocolate piece of synthetic cake!

Eat it up!

 

 

I Havent Worked since Clinton was in Office

ive finally landed gainful employment at the local methadone clinic.  for those of you who may not be too awfully familiar with the substance methadone, here is a brief tutorial:

What is methadone?

Methadone belongs to the group of drugs known as opioids. Opioids are drugs (naturally occurring and synthetic) with chemical structures and actions similar to morphine. One subgroup of opioids is the family of opiates, which includes pain-relieving drugs such as codeine, morphine and heroin. Opioids are classed as depressant drugs as they work by slowing down the functions of the central nervous system¹ . Alcohol, cannabis and benzodiazepines (including Valium, Rohypnol and Serepax) are examples of other depressant drugs.

Methadone is synthetically manufactured and used as a substitute for the treatment of people dependent on heroin and other opioids. Its effects are much longer lasting than heroin, a single dose being effective for approximately 24 hours; the effects of heroin may only last for a couple of hours. In a treatment program, methadone is usually given out in syrup form and drunk with cordial or fruit juice.

Generally, there are two types of methadone programs:

• a maintenance or long-term program, which may last for months or years, that aims to reduce the harms associated with drug use and improve quality of life; and
  
• a withdrawal (short-term) detoxification program, which lasts approximately 5-14 days, that aims to ease the discomfort of coming off heroin.

The advantages of methadone treatment

Many people believe that it is preferable for heroin users to stop taking drugs altogether. Although for some heroin users this is achievable, for others there is a high risk of relapse into heroin use. Methadone maintenance has helped many people reduce the recurrence of compulsive heroin use.

Methadone treatment, like any other drug treatment, is not a 'cure' for heroin dependence. However, research has shown that it can improve the health of people dependent on heroin in a number of ways:

• people are less likely to use heroin that may be contaminated with other substances;
  
• methadone is taken orally, which makes it cleaner and safer than injecting heroin. This reduces the risks of sharing equipment and becoming infected with blood-borne viruses such as hepatitis B, hepatitis C (which may lead to long-term liver problems) and HIV - the virus causing AIDS;
  
• the routine involved in methadone treatment encourages people to lead a balanced and stable lifestyle - including improved diet and sleep;
  
• people are less stressed, as they do not have to worry about where their next 'hit' of heroin is coming from;
  
• methadone lasts longer in the body than heroin, so it only has to be taken once a day;
  
• it allows people to handle the withdrawal process with less discomfort;
  
• criminal activities conducted to obtain illegal drugs are reduced;
  
• it helps people cut their connections with the drug scene;
  
• it's cheaper - although there is usually a dispensing fee with methadone, this is relatively cheap compared to the cost of illicit drug use (the recommended dosage fee at the time of writing this information was $7.50, although this amount may vary between dispensers); and
  
• under certain conditions, take-away doses of methadone are also available, which help clients return to a more stable lifestyle. To be eligible, clients must meet the criteria as outlined by the state/territory health department as well as those of the methadone prescriber. Some of these criteria include family commitments, illness and travelling long distances.

thats bout it.  i start work monday as the clinic's intake coordinator, which means ill be screening potential clients for admittance into the program by following a predetermined set of criteria, and then sending them on to the staff physician who makes the ultimate decision.  the best part is that i am offered the opportunity to participate in a legalized drug effort that, while riddled with flaws, clearly shows the positive effects of the at-least-partial decriminalization of otherwise illegal substances.  good news to me and all those who want so desperately to believe in our constitution and understand why we will never win the war against drugs.  read vidal's essay below for more information on this issue.

so wish me luck.  dickcarter's life has never been so upside down.  im off to collect what little interest i have in a stamp of renewal. 

step up to the window [eh!! eh!! eh!! eh!! eh!!...but i was in the middle of a red hot dream!  goddamnit!!], open mouth [arrive at work on time...sure], insert tablet [deal with way too much co-worker bullshit and swallow your ideals], chase with orange kool-aid[lunch!  i am wicked outta here!], open mouth again for inspection [back to fucking work], step away [finally!].  ahh, my fix![ahh, payday!  im getting fucking wasted] 

dickcarter, Clinical Intake Coordinator

The Union Of The State by Gore Vidal

The Last Empire (Essays 1992-2000)

Originally printed in The Nation, 27, January 1992

 

 

 

 

 

Over the years I have written quite a lot about the state of the Union.  Now, in the interest of novelty, I’d like to discuss the Union of the State.  I have always tried to say something so obvious that no one else has noticed it.  For instance, I once suggested that we criminalize most firearms, and legalize most drugs.  This would put an end to the now eternal War on Crime that, we are told, is devastating our alabaster cities and not doing the amber waves of marijuana much good either.  I realize, of course, that vested interests are now too great for us to do anything of an intelligent nature in this—or almost any—regard.  The National Rifle Association will never wither away as long as there is a single Congressman left to be paid off or a child unarmed.

            Our violence and murder rate are unique in the First World.  This may be a negative uniqueness but it is all our own, and to be cherished; at least we are number one at something other than indebtedness.  We now have over a million people in prison¹ and another couple of million on probation or parole; why not just lock up half the population and force the other half to guard them?  That would solve crime; it might also entice Amnesty International to start whining here at home.  After all, 58 percent of those in our federal prisons are there for drug offenses.  Most are not dangerous to the public, and even though our overkindly government thinks they are dangerous to themselves, they should still be allowed to pursue their constitutional, if unhealthful, happiness in freedom.  Certainly they do not deserve to be confined to a prison system that a Scandinavian commission recently reported to be barbarous for a supposedly First World country.

            Unfortunately, the rules of any system cannot maintain their power without the constant creation of prohibitions that then give the state the right to imprison—or otherwise intimidate—anyone who violates any of the state’s often new-minted crimes.  Without communism—once monolithic and on the march—our state lacks a Wizard of Oz to terrify all the people all the time.  So the state looks inward, at the true enemy, who turns out to be—who else? the people of the United States.  In the name of correctness, of good health, or even of God—a great harassment of the people-at-large is now going on.  Although our state has not the power to intimidate any but small, weak countries, we can certainly throw most Americans in prison for violating the ever-increasing list of prohibitions.  Will this change for the better with a change of Congress or President?  No.  Things are going to get a lot worse until we apply the state’s new white hope to the state itself:  Three strikes, you’re out.  How then to “strike out” the state?  I have an idea.

            Kevin Phillips recently attacked—in Time—Washington, D.C., a beautiful city, built, if not on a hill, at least on what, in 1800, was a quite attractive swamp.  He quoted Jefferson’s warning that when every aspect of government is drawn to Washington—he meant the city, not the general—Washington, in his words, would become “as venal and oppressive as the government from which we separated.”  (this was England, by the way, not the Disney studio so recently and bloodily thrown back at Bull Run.)

            Phillips tacitly acknowledges that the people have no representation within the Beltway, unlike the banks or insurance companies.  Consequently, officeholders and their shadow, the media, are equally disliked by a vast majority.  Unfortunately, the people are without alternative.  That is what makes the situation so volatile and potentially dangerous.  Think what might have happened had Ross Perot possessed the oily charm of Charlton Heston.  Certainly, it is plain that when a people comes to detest the political system in which it is entrapped, that system will not endure for long.

            I’ve always been mystified at how obtuse politicians and the media are.  Every politician of consequence, for the last quarter-century, has run against Washington, against lobbyists, against insiders, against Jefferson’s “venal and oppressive” ruling class—or, to be precise, the representatives of our actual rulers, who circle the globe like Puck with all the swift anonymous speed of a fax laden with campaign money.  It is very hard, one would think, to live with so total a contradiction.  For instance, both Carter and Reagan campaigned against Washington, and both won.  Neither understood why people voted for him.  Neither made the slightest attempt, even cosmetically, to curb Jefferson’s tyrannous capital.  The two new employees forgot their speeches and went right on doing business as instructed by those huge economic forces that govern earth.

            Can someone like Clinton make a change?  I don’t see how.  We would like health care of the sort every civilized nation has but we can never have a rational system as long as insurance companies are allowed to benefit.  The people may want affordable health care, but they are not going to get it in the United States of America as now constituted. 

            Phillips has come up with an old notion of mine:  devolution, the dictionary word for breaking up the Union into smaller, more manageable units. He would move much of the government away from Washington, I suppose to inconvenience the 800,000 lawyers who will then be able to deduct as legitimate travel expense the weary weekly journey from cozy Montgomery County to sky topped Denver.  He would move various departments permanently to other states and rotate the capital from this to that city.  He would like an amendment to the Constitution “setting up a mechanism for holding nationwide referendums to permit the citizenry to supplant Congress and the President in making certain categories of national decisions.”  Like declarations of war?  Could he be that radical?  Along with this bit of major surgery on the body politic, he has some useful Band-Aids.  But no more.  Nevertheless, I am well pleased that what I’ve been proposing for so long has now gone mainline.  So let me go a bit further out.

            In 1992 I switched on CNN and heard Jerry Brown—in New Hampshire—giving pretty much a speech that I had given for the National Press Club [see “Time for a People’s Convention”] on how to restore power to its only legitimate source, We the People.  As Jerry and I had not spoken since I ran against him in the California Senate primary in 1982, I was pleasantly surprised and praised him publicly for his wisdom, while blessing him for his plagiarism, no matter how belated.  He rang me in Italy.  Yes, it was my speech.  Unlike Joe Biden, he is an honest man.  And did I have anything more?  And would I come to New Hampshire?  I said, yes, I had more, but, no, I would forgo the winter wonderland of New Hampshire, currently known as Dole Land.

            However, thanks to CNN and the fax machine, I could monitor his campaign and send him my thoughts immediately.  So a number of suggestions of mine entered the primary campaign.  The principal notion was conversion from war to peace. Find a defense plant that’s closing and say that it should be kept open but converted to peacetime, using the same workforce and technology.  Brown did just that in Connecticut.  He told the soon-to-be-dismissed makers of Seawolf submarines that if he became President, they would be making not submarines but bullet trains.  At five in the morning I got a call from political operator Pat Caddell.  “We won!” he said.  “We won Connecticut.”  Then they—not we—lost New York.

            Meanwhile, Perot grabbed my We the People as the strange device for his eccentric banner.  I felt very odd, watching CNN in Italy, and hearing at least three candidates using my lines.

            Jerry was headed for Pennsylvania after New York and, as the game was up, I said why not propose something really useful:  launch a new idea that might take a few years to penetrate but when it does, might save us all.

            Here is the gist of what I wrote to him.  I started with the eternal problem of what we do about income tax.  As the people at large get nothing much back from the money that they give the government—Social Security is not federal income—why not just eliminate the federal income tax?  How?  Eliminate Washington, D.C.  Allow the states and municipalities to keep what revenue they can raise.  I know that tens if not hundreds of thousands of lobbyist-lawyers and hired media gurus will have a million objections.  But let us pursue the notion.

            Why not divide the country into several reasonably homogeneous sections, more or less on the Swiss cantonal system.  Each region would tax its citizens and then provide the services those citizens wanted, particularly education and health.  Washington would then become a ceremonial capital with certain functions.  We shall always need some sort of modest defense system, a common currency, and a Supreme to adjudicate between the regions as well as to maintain the Bill of Rights—a novelty for the present Court.

            How to pay for what’s left of Washington?  Each region will make its won treaty with the central government and send what it feels should be spent on painting the White House and on our common defense, which will, for lack of money, cease to be what it is now—all-out defense on everyone on earth.  The result will be no money to waste either on pork or on those imperial pretensions that have left us $4.7 trillion in debt.  Wasteful, venal, tyrannous Washington will be no more than a federal theme park administered by Michael Eisner.

            Will the regions be corrupt, venal, etc.?  Of course they will—we are American!—but they will be corrupt on an infinitesimal scale.  Also, more to the point, in a smaller polity everyone knows who’s up to no good and they can police themselves better than the federal government ever could—even if it had ever wanted to.

            All over the world today centrifugal forces are at work.  In a bloody war in the old Yugoslavia and parts of the old Soviet Union, and in a peaceful way in the old Czechoslovakia.  Since history is nothing but the story of the migration of tribes, we must now note that the tribes are very much on the move again, and thanks to modern technology we can actually watch Bengals and Indians over flowing each other’s borders.

            Racially, the composition of Europe has changed more in the past fifty years than in the previous 500.  whether this is good or bad is irrelevant.  It is.  Now, here at home, people fret about invasions from the Hispanic world, from Haiti, from the boat people of Asia.  But, like it or not, we are changing from a white, Protestant country, governed by males, to a mixed polity, and in this time of change there is bound to be conflict.  The fragmentations that we see everywhere are the result of a dislike for the nation-state as we have known it since the bloody nation-building of Bismarck and Lincoln.

            People want to be rid of arbitrary capitals and faraway rulers.  So le the people go.  If our southern tier is to be Spanish and Catholic, let it be.  But also, simultaneously, as we see in Europe, while this centrifugal force is at work—a rushing away from the center—there is also a centripetal one, a coming-together of small polities in order to have better trade, defense, culture—so we are back, if by chance, to our original Articles of Confederation, a group of loosely confederated states rather than a United States, which has proved to be every bit as unwieldy and ultimately tyrannous as Jefferson warned.  After all, to make so many of Many into only One of one you must use force, and this is a bad thing, as we experienced in the Civil War.  So let us make new arrangements to conform with new realities.

            I will not go so far as to say that we shall ever see anything like democracy at work in our section of North America—traditionally we have always been a republic entirely governed by money, but at least, within the regions, there will be more diversity than there is now and, best of all, the people will at last have the sensation that they are no longer victims of a far-off government but that they—and their tax money—are home at last.

 

 

 

¹As of 2000, USA Today reports on its front page that 6.6 million adults (3 percent of the adult population) are in prison or “correction.”  No other society has ever done so deadly a thing to its people and on such a scale.

 

 

 

With Planet Shana in your 3rd House, the position of the stars suggests a change in your functionality.  But dont fret dear Gemini, for change is good.  Look to your left celestial sphere to discover the counter active MobyDick Meteor.  This presence will benefit the skewed allignment brought about by the turmoil surrounding your duality.  Ignore potential detriment through meditation.  The Dunazade Constellation is never far away.  Focus on this positive energy to fulfill your desires of heart, health and happiness!  Today and tomorrow will be some of your best.  You deserve it!

dickcarter is nearly one year old.  hmmmm, lets think of all he has been. 

well, he's been critical and confused, horny and histrionic.  and, he's been mouthy.  he's waited and waited for tonight.

but, most of all, he's been dick!

 

so heres to nearly 365 days of dick's dimensions!  cheers ya old toss pot!

 

 

Mature, respectable, Christian adult

¼ of a good time

hung like a mule

Gemini

Back arched, mouth open, mind blank!

Left to my own devices…I would

Reinvention is my pretension

Storm’s #1 fan

American music

Green lantern’s #1 fan

Temporary owner of golden earrings

Hicked Wot

Mutant

Ive never

Christ like

Lone star

Movie and book critic

Reader

Body guard

Storm tracker

Musculoso

Dancing queen

Kid

Asexual

Excelerator

Unemployed

¼ Cherokee

me-haul

plagerist

duke

smooth operator

masturbation expert

nude boy

hash connoisseur

varsity captain

#1 fan

blind guy

Columbian import

Hedwig

Romancer

Psychologist to the stars

Weekend lover

Peace maker

Patsy

Personal shopper

Designated blogger

Southern gentleman

Alliance builder

Friend to the manic and drunk

Survivor

Freudian dream analyst

Pure smartass

Drunk

Inseparable and ferocious companion

Wildcat

Hallowed saint

Mockery

Father time

Shirtless man

Meteorologist

Fellow slalom fanatic

Portrait of a changling

Smartass

Gentleman wordsmith

Blogger extraordinaire

Moby’s man

Bronze medalist in multiplication

Passive resistant

Sex therapist

Singing telegram

Commentator and former patriot

Hornblower

Alcoholic

Thar she blows!

Sonata high

Krafty kraut

Certified angus

County cheerleader

Asthmatic

Physically exhausted

Delightfully dewy

Dental damnation

Outside the box

Prototypical

Visually excited

Blatantly benign

Sobering up

Just to the left of spotlight

Some dude

Waste management

Nude stoner

Wad chucker; shirt sprayer

Painfully awaiting nose candy

Routed?

Intentional

Lucky to have windows

Highly irresponsible

For sale

Goin for gone?

Jose eber

Err, todd…todd tomorrow

Not really queer…yes, really queer…no, certainly not very ordinary

Truly, madly, deeply in margaritaville

Jane

Doped up

Glad to be of service

Finally

Perplexed

Programmed to receive

Laughing

Plath-esque

Riddled with issues

Swimming

Complacent

Lucky

Have a nice day

Rosemary, thyme & sage

Wantin’ a new drug

Self absorbed

Me rikey you

Garcon

Desperately seeking susan

Impressed

Approval seeker

Unrepenting

Swiss miss

Jingling through

Rastafarian

Womanizer

Mad gay

Earnest

Three pronged

Contrary

Sacrificial

Jolly friends forever more…

Nubian wannabe

Thoroughly pleased

Rotflmao

Rich

Wheel on fire

The other wheel on fire

Totally clueless

Springer

Oddly imperfect

Smoker

A couple of lubed spoons

White trash geek

Life is easy here?

Ancient Chinese secret

Slack jawed

Pleased to read

Supportive

No drag

Im just a boy

Good day

Totally sympathetic

Figurative

Keggers with kids

Neither here nor there

In your eyes

Team ks

Rusty side kick

Ill never tell

Helper

Solid platinum

Bloody stupid

Critique

Innocent woman & child

Abbreviator

Anchor

Running his mouth

Complete drunk

Wolf with the red roses

Delightfully disgusted

Permanent vacation

Defector

Carnivore

Jabber jaw

Smiling and whistling

Radical

Advice columnist

Hanging on

NID (Nine Inch Dick)

Near sighted

Ex patriate living in france

I don’t give a damn

Flaccid

Inexperienced

Potential draftee

Original

Dirrty

Shut-in no more

Green

Purveyor of perversion

In the know

Remorseless

Blissy

Poon lover

Amused

Happy to provide

Proud

Implicitly impressed

Nearly fucked

Lonely

Reesee cup & the fat man

Amazingly uncertain

Tropical

Obliged

Missing you

Interested

Ready

Mild to moderate

Victimized

Searching

Thanx

Hopeful as well

Because I can be

Hungry jack

Void in Alaska

QC

cq

goin to lee’s

catastrophic

banal bisexual

exclamation point

footloose man

sophistic sophomore

local

profoundly pitiful

big fun

mustached and mulleted

loud mouf

Caucasian

Enterprising

Two legged

Sick like you

aligned left

agreeable

cuban exile or scarred for life

operation Hawaiian tropic

intestinal

narcotic anal[gesic]

egoiste

altoholit

blue gum

glad

DSM XXX

carpet bagger

thankful for the props

ignorant

hippie

drunkard

marakesh bound

MD

at your service

observant of orders

witness to the event

the other half

at the dollhouse in fort Lauderdale

pur, pur dick

definitely Martha

hot from the beds

full belly too

smoke gets in my eyes

toilet tramp

not finished

?

the bitch daphne!

beautifully blatant

analingus

alienated

ciao

angel of doom

not tan enough

jealous

crave clubber

in cahoots

me

scullery maid

miss midwest midnight checkout queen

lower class

good will

signed, sealed and delivered

of Dick

openly honest

and Fuck You!

color and set

madder ‘n hell

pissed

saved by hell’s bell

kolor und set

hooked

str8

hippity, hoppity

oracally yours

i come and go

if looks could kill

home and dry

commenting on nothing

growing impatient

i want a positive role model

shake, rattle and roll out

thinking

unlike the rest

rusted

bender

still drunk

buck toothed

X

the only whore in chile verde

woman scorned

red stripe

tanorexic palellimic

hopeful

estranged no more

addict

psykhik

the reigning miss bar complex

non spanish speaking well wisher

barely coherent

too drunk to realize the insanity

one egg short…

council on child welfare

Friday kinda guy

Yes, I got drunk last night

Matrimonial muckraker

Fan

Smiling, fried egg face?

Your smiling face?

Fish eyed fool

Hesitant

Steady

Openly multisexual

Drunkcarrtter

Norton’s anthologist

Unlocked, half-loaded and not so ready!

Alive and kicking

Come over and see me sometime

Trader dick

These old bones

Off the road

Peace in

Peace out

Caddy lack

Home and dry

Personally

American heritage

The most fascinating person I know

Ceo, GinCon 2003

Unfortunate

Changling

Perennially unemployable

Sleepy bear

Bigbrotherneverleft

Too tired to sleep

Appreciative

Reckoner

Feelin fine

Optional

Feelin fine?

Editorially yours

Birthday boy

Some things are worth the risk

Got to be certain

Eulogistic

A fridge too far

Creep

Fast and furious

No more tears

Spouse

Damn near old

Malignant

Hating children about now

…id spend it all

eclipsed

one among millions

poet laureate of Crosby drive

shitty

if nothing else, predictable

xtatic xangaphile

see?

Grassy coveting

Crazy ass shit

Former skateboarder…err, sort of

Sincerely your loving fan; sharp knives?

In the open air

Nee Richard Alan Carter

An abstract voice

Hypocritical

Way doped up on shrooms

Soaking wet, drunken fun girl

Man without a hat

Superhero

Waiting

Tropical

Piss ant drag queen

Beautiful

Neither

Bushman

Confusing rant

Partner in porn

Supportive nurturer

Martha focker

Clueless

Ol’ smugs

Downed

Frontliner

Type 1

Eventfully optimistic

Grateful

Hungry

Uniformly non-conformist

Hambone in training

Reserved

LOL

French hen

Turtle dove

Partridge in a pear tree

Jingle

Bells

Sucker

Who?

Just browsing

Sponsor

Two way with cheese

Warm

Not retarded

Philosophizer

Gone

American

Dreaming of summer

102

matchmaker international

head lantern spark

dispute resolutionist

boy to man

concerned citizen

more jeer than cheer

friend-in-deed

best friend

obvious

brown

grouch

down on my knees

feline fanatic

poor

courteous, and receptive to courtesy

flame resistant

well wisher

touch and go

curious

a smidge too far

unemployed

cyber genie

swine

original sinner

common toilet goer

LBCeeinya

En route

Fire starter

Sober

Bored

Ghoul

Pornmeister

Uber model

Suburban housewife

Freak

867-5309

mistake

impatient

passive-aggressive

sentimental fool with tongue in cheek

brownie

like a prayer

angel

lucky star

stay-at-home drunk

chameleon

material boy

woman’s best friend

sage

smooth copier

wannabe

bill

waiting for tonight

ticky tacky

brief

pagan

smiley

cerveza’s twin, separated at birth

sexist pig

donkey’s ass

tool

believer

dirty dancer

war monger

avid reader

electronics & eprops specialist

midnight surfer

ditch rat

coke head

homey

mr. blue sky

starry decisis

nerd

mas fina

podiatrist

renaissance man

advocate

mute

wiccan wannabe

anonymously sober

senior citizen

airborne

Freudian

Horny

Tongue-in-cheek

Me

Esq

Groupie

Stalkerless

Cannibal

Pervert

Now and zen

Nubian god

Geisha

Friend of Barbie

Beautiful stranger

Of the clan Carter

Friend

Kentucky boy

Former fatty

Female impersonator

Thief

Arbiter

Exhibitionist

Author

Fundamentalist

Confused

Kentucky love

Mother nature

Closet opener

Optimist

Finger pointer

Not Irish

Definitely defined by routine

Messenger

Unable

Warped

Vicariously disappointed

Material girl

Optimistically saddened

Pseudo wise

Contestant

Long lost sibling

Cancer

Patient advocate

Lust for death

Falling down

Perennially ambiguous

Je n’ai sais pas pourquoi?

Male prostitute hopeful

First timer

Truant

Pretty in pink

Worth it

Prodigy

Bloke

Missing nut

Creep

Shitting all over self

Reactionary

June Carter Cash’s distant relative

Merry murderess

Hand walking queer

Break springer

Masonized

Languid in nature

Standard deviation

Vice lord

Questionable omnivore

Justin Guarini’s personal assistant

D’oh!

Roadie

L

guy in Kentucky

dead in a sense

waiting for tonight

bananafana

turning Japanese

eye candy

totally shaken

 

shew!  he's been through a lot!  what will the next year hold?  who will he be by then?  will his epithet be his epi-tomb? 

 

this guy in kentucky sure is unlucky...

 

dickcarter, Multifarious

 

 

This Week's Top 10

Is

Celebrity Match & Win

Match one of the following ten celebrities with their corresponding, mind boggling illness (listed below), hence afflicting nearly every one of my friends (myself receiving little to no exception), and garner yourself a delusional prize. 

Prizes, of course, not unlike the mental health condition of each member of my circle of insanity as well as the star crossers shown below, may vary.  Oh, and by the way, I'm rather aware of the high level of co-morbidity...

 

1.    2.    3.

 

4.   5.   6.

7.   8.   9.

10.

 

 

                                             A.  Denial                            F.  Extreme Narcissism         

                                             B.  Daddy Issues                G.  Paranoid Schizophrenic

                                             C.  Fear of Abandonment   H.  Obsessive Compulsive         

                                             D.  Ego Maniacal                 I.  Envy                   

                                             E.  Drunkenness                 J.  Passive Aggressive Behavioral Patterns

---

 

 

10 ways to lead a lover

1.  discover what makes him tick.  nothing says "fuck me" like a manipulative conversation regarding her past, present or future.  it may take a little time to unravel some of his idiosyncrasies, but it will be worth it in the end.  relax on the couch (yes, a freudian pun), speak in a serious tone and listen, listen, listen!  actively repeat what she has to say so that he knows youre listening, all the while youre simply memorizing.  when traumatic events come up, make your move. 

2.  shower her with compliments.  its the basic assumption behind obedience training.  read up on classical conditioning (you know, pavlov) and next thing you know, youve got him fucking when she hears a bell ring...good boy!

3.  simple courtesy.  take her to see a movie.  open the car door for him.  chauffeur her around.  pay for meals, cigarettes and/or booze.  in other words, all the things your mom told you to do.  more time and effort involved here, but you wont come away feeling like as much of an ass.  dual benefits to be reaped, but watch out for assumed commitment, unless of course thats what you had in mind (then why are you reading this?).

4.  assimilation.  no matter what he says, move into it.  deconstruct your own persona and reconstruct an assimilated version of hers.  youve got to be believable here, otherwise you may come across as a perverted flatterist.  especially works if the person youre attempting to screw has a few loose.  the harder he tries to fit in, the easier for you to move in.

5.  perfectly timed dirty talk.  careful here, a misguided leap can result in a nasty fall.  hold out on las palabras sucias till she is either intoxicated (find out which chemical concoction makes him horniest) or terribly aroused from song, story or similar stimulation (may take a little more time).

6.  agree/disagree with everything she says.  works like a dream if you know what to look for.  objectionable ppl love confrontation, while agreeable ppl love passive acceptance.  again, careful here.  he may be extremely passive-aggressive or otherwise mentally unstable.  heads up on only children, rape victims, those suffering from personality disorders and the violence prone.  emotional disturbance is a dead end!  

7.  play out of character.  if she expects a humorous hector, give him a sober sally.  if she wants attention, ignore him.  if she is sleeping, invade his space, ripping underpants and lustfully ignoring all "artificial" requests to stop. 

8.  get drunk...together.  you have to ensure that both parties (you and her) are drinking the same amount at the same pace.  some calculation involved, he may be a light weight while you a fall down drunk.  also requires simultaneous use of several aforementioned techniques like dirty talk, playing out of character and agreement.  actual intercourse can be a problem at times, as can remembering what happened the day after.  not to worry though, if you can pull a couple of details from the sordid event, youve got enough to paint a picture to remember.

9.  jealousy.  never fails.  use the "play out of character" technique and flirt with as many ppl as you choose.  stare a lot at others while commenting on their fuck-a-bility.  if it backfires, abort!  resign your post.  make it known that youre terribly insecure and have never entertained the idea of getting "so close" to someone so frickin hott!  may trigger a mom reflex in women, and a rapist reflex in men.  fantasy can be nice.

10.  ghb.   

in place of the proposed top 10, i offer you, the reader, a list of 10 ppl i love, hate or love to hate this week.  i would have written more, but im mad tired, still recovering from d's weekend long birthday celebration...and mine is merely one day away.  oh dear.

1.  jayson blair:   he can play all "im sick with the booze and drugs," but i know he intentionally damn near brought down the worlds most powerful newspaper from the inside.  the race card is being played on both sides...he only ate what was fed him.  cheers!

2.  ari fleischer:  finally, he wised up.

3.  bruce lunsford:  he just gave up.  i hate spineless democrats. 

4.  matt groening:  genius!

5.  ryan seacrest:  fag!

6.  jd and shay (mobydick and missshaywallace):  cheers for all your help this weekend. 

7.  laura (dunazade):  a different point of view.  darling you were wonderful, you really were quite good.  i enjoyed it though, of course, no one understood.  no one knew what was going on, they didnt have a clue.  they couldnt understand your sense of humor like i do.  im already lookin for tomorrow to see yesterday when i was mad...

8.  dolly parton:  you can say what you choose but ill tell you the truth, you can say for sure im gone.  im gone.

9.  politically suicidal palestinians:  come the fuck on people!

10. oprah winfrey:  why wont she just die already?

In honor (or perhaps repetitive imitation?) of MarkAllen, I offer an intimate glimpse into dickcarter's personal motivation...his force conduisant!

And so, without further manipulation, my very own weekly Top 10:

1.  RADIOHEAD

ive recently become one.  i never thought i would.  in fact, i vehemently denied the possibility.  even still i cant believe it.  i have to know its true though...i just spent much time and frustration burning the new record hail to the thief.  what am i thinking?  sure, many would say that im a little late recognizing true talent (spin to name one source), but the hook grabbed me when it did.  my sense of denial is moot, im a full throttle fan.  is there an official club?  the radioheads?  cuz im there...under a big top at the freakshow working on my new math:  2+2=5.  damn straight!

_______________________________________________________________________

 

2.  MAD MUSHROOM MEMORIES

the first time i tried mushrooms, i vomited all over my cinder block cell.  i did, however, manage to get some down, and wow, it was a living, breathing dream!  the year, 1990.  the occasion, eastern ky colonels vs. western ky hilltoppers (yeah, i dont know what that is either).  a sunny and mild saturday afternoon.  me, a can of coke and a bag of shrooms.  open mouth, insert shit covered veggie, chew vigorously, swallow, chase with cola, gag, vomit.  repeat. 

"the hill" just north of roy kidd stadium never looked so inviting.  and never did monica, kelly and sabrina seem so beautiful.  the momentum, the gang, the band, the booze, the crowd...everything was as it should have been, and never would be again.  bliss.   

___________________________________________________________________________

 

    +        +   

3.  POSITIVE ROLE MODELS

am i to blame, or is it the fault of someone else.  if i had one, would i be better?  different?  productive?  i dont really know, but i certainly feel safe to assume that the influence would affect my daily affirmations.  in a positive way?  yeah, i think so.  but where to find one?  i dont know any...any that i care to know anyway.  i cant buy one.  books only make me feel guilty; not smart enough.  tv offers nothing in the way of connection.  three pcs only serve the neglectful consumer in me.  d and i discussed this very topic last night, returning from a day long adventure with moms in the country that shaped us.  did we come to any conclusions i could safely quote here?  nah.  did we beat a dead horse?  yeah.  somebody send me an angel...right now.

_______________________________________________________________________

 

4.  A MARVEL UNIVERSE

i wanna go!

________________________________________________________________________

 

5.  TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE?

nosce te ipsum.  know thyself.  what does it mean to know thyself?  its been said that you cant master something (anything?) without knowing it.  to master self then would certainly require knowledge of self.  so why does it seem as if no one really knows who theyre made of? 

have you ever noticed how some folks float through life disregarding certain personal questions?  i have.  ive got dozens of friends and contemporaries who do just that.  oh sure, theyll give you some bullshit answer, plead a privacy clause or blow it off as irrelevant to their particular concern, but they have to think about it, dont they (pathological defense notwithstanding)?  i mean i realize everybody lies.  and yes, i painfully realize the ppl i associate with lie more than most.  but if theyre lying to me and all others, who are they truthful with?  do they really know themselves?  do i really know them?

ask yourself one plaguing question every night before you sleep.  summon up a devil or two or repeat one youve been asked.  make it hard now.  its got to come from deep inside.  no silly "what color are my eyes?" questions.  nothing that anybody with a current subscription to Maxim could answer.  then study the solutions.  youll be surprised at what kinds of answers start popping up.  and from the assortment, sift through and find the most applicable (more than one may apply...i never said we werent complex).  go with that and wallow in the glory of discovering a fraction of you, remembering that a fraction is just a shorthand way of expressing a division problem.  so keep it up, bridge the division and maybe you could master yourself.  nascor nasci natus compos sui...to be reborn a master of himself.  to be a master is to be at peace.  go on, give it a try.  i could use a little more truth in my life.   

____________________________________________________________________

 

6.  VARIETE FRANCAISE

such lovely words.

i recently read that in 1948, parisian cafe singer turned global phenom, edith piaf, sang privately to gore vidal (more below) and anais nin.  anais didnt care for the serenade (she hardly knew it was happening...busy studying the mexican serving staff).  gore loved it.  she was distant, while he connected. 

you may know of mirwais (post madonna, who doesnt?).  you may have heard of the band air.  you may even be an edith piaf fan.  either way, original french music can be stunningly elegant, sending romantic notes deep into your soul.  my current connection was a matter of mistake.  searching through winamp i discovered a singer named Alizée.  im not entirely certain how this artist's music ended up on my machine, but i have come to love her special brand of burning desire.  her name was mispelled, as was the song's title, so it took some time to complete my research.  i discovered Gourmandises and the hit (french, mind you) "Moi...Lolita."  the record is smooth, missing nary a beat as she covers topics ranging from sexual innuendo to political turmoil (further detail as soon as i wrangle d into correctly translating).  another track, "L'Alizé," is equally as gentle, but with a more american flare.  her most recent recordings come from the april 2003 release Mes Courants Electriques (my current electronics), from which ive been samely satisfied.  vive la belle musique.  vive la bon vivant!

_______________________________________________________________________

 

7.  GORE VIDAL AND THE AMERICAN SPIRIT

to answer the question "who are your american idols?" i formerly referred to such notable newsmakers as abraham lincoln, eleanor roosevelt and jesus christ (yes virginia, jesus was american).  notnymore...

not that i havent followed gore's work for the better part of my adult life.  i have.  but, i never knew him as i now know him.  subsequently, i realize ive been somewhat consumed with his life and loves of recent and blogged accordingly on several occassions, but i must include him in my top 10...any top 10! 

gore vidal resonates with the american dream.  he lives in italy.  he's a fantastic author, with a catalog consisting of such paramount works as Williwaw, The City and the Pillar (to which certain critics banished his retreatable reviews from their illustrious newspapers) and the way too ahead of its time and still controversial Myra Breckinridge.  hes an established playwright and essayist.  he loved anais nin and hated truman capote.  he served in world war II.  his grandfather was the pioneering blind senator from oklahoma, t.p. gore.  his father was the henry ford of aviation, who, along with partners like amelia earhart, founded several airlines, including twa.  hes related to the late jackie o.  however, the best part is he abhorred abraham lincoln (or at least the concept of lincoln), the roosevelts (anti imperialistic?  si!) and yes, even jesus christ.  ive been a big fool!

but perhaps the most vidalian assertion one can cite is a statement he made in a 1972 magazine interview. "There is not one human problem that could not be solved," said vidal, "if people would simply do as I advise." so for more than 50 years now, he has advised us about politics, history, culture and the importance of separating the public from the private, leaving to caesar (the film Caligula was based on his original screenplay) what is caesar's and to freedom what is rightfully ours.  god bless gore vidal and god bless america (blasphemous?)!

_________________________________________________________________________

 

8.  HOTORNOT.COM

the concept, while not entirely original, was decided upon when a couple of regulars got together, concluding that most men rate women on a scale of 1 to 10 (one being the lowest...) when sitting around in bars, subway cars, restaurants and at home on their asses.  the premise was born.  but, what do we have to see the "genius" behind their work besides an addiction without limits...without prescription?  nothing more than a collection, 6,400,000 strong, of humans ranging from the most ghastly beasts who should be no more than negatively notated (no, the rating scale doesnt go down that far...a dickcarter descriptor) to a generous, plus sided 10. 

so why the fascination?  i picked up on this trend while in law school.  the dude that sat in front of brian (pickaway) and i was forever failing to pay attention in class, with his fastidious fascinations tuned into hotornot.com, or ratemyboobs.com, or some such shit.  i was objectionable at first (of course), but in time grew to channel my property passions toward a more pleasing passtime.  enter hotornot.com. 

since then, its been forgotten, but george (derp) assisted in my redsicovery.  at his suggestion, i posted my own pic (went from a 9.1 to an 8.1...i expected a solid 10 you know) and began my reeducation. 

so here we are, where we were, back on everything!

_________________________________________________________________________

 

9.  THE CATLETTSBURG THREE

why these three young men from eastern kentucky are on my list i really dont know.  i can only assume its because of their exteme interest in all that i (dunazade, mobydick and missshaywallace) do, say and feel.  or maybe its because of their extreme indifference that screams mature, experienced quasi intellectuals with a cause (their ages' an immature median of 21...their iq's unknown).  or maybe, just maybe, its the non-stop, categorical explanation each one provides regarding their particular place within a group...within a stagnant subculture (one is an obvious over compensator, one moody and confused, and one reluctant participant-cum-peace keeper...nothing offensive you understand.  merely an observation based on actual (perhaps?) testimony).

whatever it may be, i like em!  they interest me.  good job boys!

oh yeah, who are they?  Shawn, Nick, and Daniel.  lookit! 

________________________________________________________________________________

 

10.  SHINGLES

my mom has this disease.  weird!

go with d...just me and d

how can you just leave me standing, alone in a world thats so cold? 

i just wont be quiet long enough.

i suppose prince was right.  silence is truly golden only when you subscribe to your own beliefs and, pardon my french, shut the fuck up!

voices mean little to those who are deaf.  in a world of deafness the not so hard of hearing is god (once uttered to the now infamous chatter box with soap box dreams miss shay wallace joles)

politics is what i really feel, but im just learning to fly.  and when youre flying, theres no turning back.  my senses heightened, i feel nothing but extreme pleasure...extreme pain...smoke drifting toward a heaven that doesnt want me, a hell that doesnt need me.

add colors +nd keep painting.  paint the picture till you see nothing.  and if its not a dry erase or etch-a-sketch youre fucked you hear me, FUCKED!

the ramblings of a doped up man on shrooms.  never ending i tell you, never ending.  but then hasnt it always been like this?

just me and my thoughts.  my demons with voices telling me all the things that i dare not say  talking to me about passion...and my mind wanders to d and her painting.  vulgar or not?  something from the heart? 

what if her heart is broken?  what if i couldnt see her?  is that bird chirping?  some crazy ass birds.  but you know, we could learn a lot from these birds.  these singers of song. 

i really should go now.  im no longer properly inspired.  damn many things, but damn my insanity.  damn my silence. 

you people scoff now, but when dickcarter's voice is no longer applicalbe, in a world of fantasy, who then to bring you fLying back to reality?  who?

dickcarter signing off.  good night you Xhausted Xangaphiles, you belittled bloggers.

maybe im just too demanding?

dickcarter, way stoned on shrooms or deja vu?

 

postum scrotum:

Dictation enforced in Afghanistan...It's gonna be alright?

  +